Ken Baloney's Real Science

Ken Baloney's Real Science Presents: The Mystery of T. Rex's Tiny Arms

Q. Dear Uncle Baloney:  You know SO much about dinosaurs! Could you explain why God gave T. Rex such tiny arms?

Now, some of you may indeed be wondering why the T. Rex has such tiny arms.  This question has even stumped evolutionists!  But I do believe we have the answer why:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's another letter from one of our young followers who asks: "Why did God create chimpanzees? They're not pretty like butterflies, we can't eat them like chickens and they're really kind of gross!"

Well, your uncle Ken has an answer to all of your questions. Now we all know that those evolutionists like to say we're related to the chimps, that our DNA is almost like theirs.  Well, I'll explain what really happened:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, when God was busy making the first humans with the supernatural life clay, Lucifer, who was a caretaker of the Garden, was lurking in the shadows trying to see what God was up to.  And when he saw God making this perfect creation, he got allll jealous of God's artistic abilities.  "God will certainly ask me to serve those creatures," he muttered.  "…I will have none of it!"   Because Lucifer was full of pride, you see, which was his downfall.

As we know, back in those days, there was no rain on the earth.  That didn't happen until Noah's Flood. But we know that the Garden of Eden was full of lush vegetation.  And God was no dummy, because He knew that the cows and the sheep and dinosaurs needed lots of fresh fruit and vegetables every day.  So He had His angelic caretakers tend to the garden using a hose and sprinklers -- just like we do today!

Anyhow, just as soon as God turned His back, Lucifer -- up to his mischief -- turned the hose on the creation full blast!  This caused God's creations to start to melt a little, before He had a chance to finalize them.  The legs got shorter, the arms got longer and the magic hair clay on the head melted all over the body.   

Of course, God was furious, and he cursed Lucifer to forever take the form of an ugly beast.  But by that time, the water had caused the creations to come to life, and they ran away.

No worries, thought God - I'll just start over again.  And he began to create Adam from the spot nearby. (Unfortunately there wasn't enough special clay left to make two humans as before, but God had other ways of making the second one, as we know!)

Anyhow, those two unfortunate creatures that were the result of Lucifer's mischief were the world's first Chimpanzees. They can only vocalize in shrieks and screams, because they are eternally frustrated and angry. - Angry because they were originally destined to be humans, but instead became damaged and corrupted!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q:  What does "Metaphorical" mean?

A. "Metaphorical" is one of those big words that people learn when they go to one of those librul arts colleges.  Specifically, it's a word evolutionists like to use to claim that the Bible isn't really true.  But we call the Bible "God's Word", not "God's Metaphor"… right?  Right?

Q: Revelations says that in the last days, we'll see a lady riding on a dragon in the sky.  Should I be on the lookout so I can warn my friends?

A.: The lady on the dragon are actually symbols that represent other things    Revelations is the only chapter in the Bible that is symbolic.  All other chapters of the Bible are to be taken absolutely literally, except the ones that be interpreted to represent current events and current countries and world leaders.

Q. I’ve been reading Genesis to find some answers, and I’m now on the story of Abraham.  What's a 'concubine'?  

A.: Well, um, back in the days before office jobs, unmarried women often took shelter doing certain kinds of work for men of wealth.  Otherwise, it would have been difficult for them to provide for themselves.  Because not all men were wealthy because, um… anyways, Abraham wasn't perfect, and he did have his problems.  Anyhow, we’re running out of space for questions, so if you want to know more answers, you can buy my “Guide to Biblical Stories Mommy Doesn’t Talk About” .  

Just send $12.95 plus shipping and handling to: 

Answers in Junkscience

P.O. Box 777, Bulltihsburgers Rd.

Horsehockey, KY 41080